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Table of Contents

Introduction

xi

Chapter 1: What It Means to Be a Conservative

1
What Breed of Conservative Are You? (Take the quiz)  3
The Conservative Manifesto  12
Rate Your Partisan Intensity Quotient (PIQ)  15
What’s Your State of Embattlement?  21

Chapter 2: Know Your Enemy 

25
The Liberal Manifesto  26
Frequently Asked Questions about Liberals  30
A Field Guide to the Liberal Genus  36
Other Liberal Species You May Encounter 42
How to Rate a Liberal’s Partisan Intensity Quotient (PIQ)  44
A Glimpse into the Liberal Utopia  48

Chapter 3: Can’t We All Just Get Along? 

51
A Day in the Life of Conservatives vs. Liberals  52
Battle of the Bumper Stickers  58
What Conservatives Say vs. What Liberals Hear  61
What Liberals Say vs. What Conservatives Hear  64
Common Enemies We Can All Agree to Hate  66

Chapter 4: Basic Training 

73
The Seven Habits of Highly Ineffective Partisans  74
Do You Suffer From Argumentile Dysfunction?  78
How Not to Be an Asshole  81
The Ten Commandments of Partisan Warfare 86
How to Avoid Unhinged Lunatics  94
How to Detect Bullshit 91
How to Trip Up A Bullshitter 101
How to Spot Logical Fallacies 103
How to Win When You Can't Win Them Over 107

Chapter 5: How to Win Friends While Antagonizing People

 
111
How to Survive Family Sparring Matches  112
What to Do If You’re Sleeping With the Enemy  115
How to Manage Workplace Squabbles  119
How to Clash with Perfect Strangers  122
How to Argue Politics on Facebook and Twitter 125
How to Properly Engage in Internet Flame Wars  129

Chapter 6: Kick-Ass Comebacks to Liberal Nonsense

135
How to Argue With Mindless Obama Lovers 136
How to Argue with Economic Ignoramuses 140
How to Clash with Clueless Liberals on Hot-Button Issues 145
How to Rebut Other Liberal Drivel 151

Chapter 7: The Liberal Hall of Shame 

157
The Wing of Sex Fiends, Perverts, and Adulterers 158
The Wing of Douche Bags and Morons 165

Chapter 8: How to Use Liberals’ Own Words against Them

173
Stunningly Moronic Liberal Quotes 174
Ridiculous, Outrageous, and Delusional Liberal Quotes 185
Crazy Quotes by Celebrity Nut Jobs and Media Blowhards 191

After-Words 

199
When All Else Fails: 125,000 Ways to Insult Liberals 199

Acknowledgments 

203

About the Author 

207

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Revised & Updated for the 2012 Election!