What Breed of Conservative Are You?

From Chapter 1: "What It Means to Be a Conservative" in How to Win a Fight with a Liberal

Update: Take a New Version of This Quiz Here
 

  1. Which bumper sticker would you most likely put on your car?
    1. In Case of Rapture, This Car Will Be Unmanned
    2. If You’re Gonna Burn Our Flag, Wrap Yourself in It First
    3. Work Harder, Millions on Welfare Depend on You
    4. Another Former Fetus for Life
    5. Ted Kennedy’s Car Has Killed More People than My Gun
    6. No Oil for Pacifists

  2. If the Founding Fathers were alive today, they would be most appalled by which of the following?
    1. The fact that you can teach our kids about condoms and clean needles but Jesus is taboo
    2. The fact that more anti-war protesters haven’t been thrown in Gitmo
    3. The nation’s criminally high levels of taxation
    4. The hijacking of our culture by Hollywood perverts
    5. Big government run amok
    6. The Blame America First crowd that’s pampering terrorists

  3. An asteroid is headed for Earth. You have a seat on the last shuttle off the planet. If you could bring only one book with which to build a future civilization, what would it be?
    1. The Bible
    2. The Way Things Ought to Be, by Rush Limbaugh
    3. The Wealth of Nations, by Adam Smith
    4. Culture Warrior, by Bill O’Reilly
    5. The NRA Guide to Firearms Assembly
    6. The Art of War, by Sun Tzu

  4. A second civil war has just broken out in America. Who is to blame?
    1. Hell-bound heathens—for trying to ban God and for provoking his wrath
    2. The liberal media—for outsourcing their foreign news coverage to Al Jazeera
    3. Tax-and-spend socialists—for requiring every taxpayer to personally adopt a welfare queen
    4. Activist judges—for redefining marriage as being between any person, place, or thing
    5. Big government liberals—for trying to regulate everyone to death
    6. Liberal freedom-haters—for helping the terrorists win

  5. If you could time-travel back to any historical event and bring one thing with you, what would you choose?
    1. The Immaculate Conception—with a video camera
    2. September 10, 2001—with a copy of the 9/11 Commission Report
    3. The beginning of the 1990s bull market—with today’s stock quotes
    4. The 2004 Janet Jackson Super Bowl Halftime Show—with a roll of duct tape
    5. The first lunar landing—with a Confederate flag
    6. The end of the 1991 Gulf War—with a bunker-busting nuke with Saddam’s name on it

  6. If you were a candidate for political office, what would your theme song be?
    1. “Onward, Christian Soldiers”
    2. “Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue (The Angry American),” by Toby Keith
    3. “Money for Nothing,” by Dire Straits
    4. “Let the Eagle Soar,” by John Ashcroft
    5. The theme song from Law & Order
    6. “The Imperial March,” from Star Wars

  7. If you could pile any three people into a naked pyramid, who would you choose?
    1. Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Monica Lewinsky
    2. The Dixie Chicks
    3. The heads of the AFL-CIO, Sierra Club, and Association of Trial Lawyers
    4. Snoop Dog, Marilyn Manson, and Ludacris
    5. Ted Kennedy, Nancy Pelosi, and Howard Dean
    6. Kim Jong-il, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and Michael Moore

 

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